GOLDIE VS. THE STRIPED DRAGON BARS: A WORKING EQUITATION SAGA OF BETRAYAL, REDEMPTION, AND CROWD-PLEASING DRAMA

ACT 1: THE BETRAYALThere we were, minding our business at our first Level 2 competition, when the judge—a seemingly innocent woman with a clipboard—unleashed her secret weapon: STRIPED CROSSBARS. To you, they might look like painted poles. To Goldie? Clearly a portal to the underworld, guarded by neon-striped serpents.

I’d prepped him for a humble raised pole or a rustic hay bale. But nooo. The equitation gods said, "Here’s a geometry test wrapped in tiger stripes." Goldie took one glance and went full "NOPE. I DID NOT CONSENT TO THIS SORCERY." The judge, bless her, gave us a pass (for the low, low price of 10 points per existential crisis).

Obstacle Score:

• Striped Dragon Bars: -20 pts

• Goldie’s Trust in Me: -1000 pts

ACT 2: THE COMEBACK (KIND OF)The rest of the test? Shockingly decent. Goldie trotted past the pitcher on the barrel like a sommelier judging a fine wine (“Ah, yes, a 2023 Château de Plastic”). He slalomed the garrocha like a drunk but enthusiastic cowboy. And the gate? Flawless. (We’d practiced that one. Extensively. With bribes.)

But those dang crossbars haunted us. That night, I dreamt of them. Goldie probably dreamt of burning them.

The Stripey Bar Dragon Slayer and the Author

ACT 3: VELOCIDAD PRUEBA (OR: "THE CROWD ADOPTS A DRAMA QUEEN")Day two. The velocidad round. No technique judged—just "get through it without dying" rules.

But looming ahead: OBSTACLE #4. THE DRAGON BARS.

Goldie approached. Stopped. Stared into the void. The crowd held its breath. The judge sighed. I whispered, "Please, I’ll buy you all the apples."

His reply? A snort that roughly translated to, "Apples can’t erase trauma, Karen." Some dancing sideways. Some swirling. A sashay towards and almost through the arena entrance. “Just point your head towards it, Goldie, pleeeease!”. “NO EFFING WAY”! The clock is spinning along.

The judge waves us on. The crowd murmurs. The legend grew.

“Oh, Goldie……"

Then—OBSTACLE #13. THE FINAL BOSS. The bars taunted us. Goldie hesitated. The crowd ERUPTED: "GO GOLDIE! YOU GLORIOUS, GOLDEN CHICKEN!" Even the judge was low-key waving her arms like a sideline cheerleader.

AND THEN… HE DID IT. A hop so awkward it belonged in a "Horses Caught Off Guard" meme—but HE CLEARED IT. The crowd LOST IT. Someone screamed "WE LOVE YOU, GOLDIE!" like he’d just won the Kentucky Derby. I’m crying. Goldie pranced out like, "Yeah, I meant to do that."

EPILOGUE: THE CLINIC (AKA "DRAGON TAMING 101")The next day, the judge—now personally invested in Goldie’s emotional journey—hand-walked him over the bars like a horse therapist. Progress was made:

1. Step. ("This is fine.")

2. Hop. ("I hate everything.")

3. JUMP. ("FINE, BUT I’M STILL JUDGING YOU.")

Final Score:

• Goldie’s Bravery: +1 (with 10,000 caveats)

• My Sanity: Questionable

• Future Competitions: Now featuring 200% more crowd-funded emotional support

So, dear readers, the moral is clear: Never underestimate a horse with a flair for the dramatic, a crowd with a soft spot for underdogs, or the power of peer pressure.

Next stop: Level 2 again with NO obstacle passes. Where the jumps are sure to be there, the stripes are possibly blinking neon and shellacked with buzzing bees, and Goldie’s side-eye could power a small city.